A High School Story

When I was a sophomore in high school, I met a boy named John Smith.  Ha!  That’s not a joke.  That was really his name.  I thought I wanted to go on a date with him.  Turns out, he wanted to go on a date with me as well.  And so, we did.

We continued into a steady relationship and dated for 5-1/2 years.  He was my for-sure-date for Christmas dances and proms.  He gave me the coveted angora wrapped class ring.  In other words, he was my security during very insecure high school years.  At some point, we got engaged.

Let’s be clear.  He bought me a ring when he noticed someone else paying attention to me.  I didn’t want the ring and for sure, my heart was never really engaged.  I definitely know my mom wasn’t thrilled with the idea as I had just graduated high school.  Little did she know she was safe from where her worries were taking her.  College gave me a reason (i.e., excuse) not to get married.

Here’s the thing about me and John Smith.  We dated from my sophomore year in high school until my senior year in college. But I knew within two months of meeting him that I didn’t want to date him.  It just took an engagement and a fair amount of wedding plans before I was finally able to say, “Stop. I want off this train.” 

Why do I share this story from so long ago?

It’s about self-awareness. And the thing that makes self-awareness difficult.

When you have awareness around a situation, you’re faced with making a decision.  Will you act on your awareness regardless of the difficulty, even fear, it presents?  Or will you ignore it and pretend you don’t know what you know?

One of the reasons people don’t make changes even when they’re unhappy is they don’t trust their self-awareness.  “Maybe I’m wrong,” they think.  “It might get better,” they proffer.  “I should give it a little more time,” they query to themselves.  And they ask others for advice. Or they don’t ask because they already know the answer but wish they didn’t.  If they ask, then they might feel obliged to act on the answer they get, and acting on what they know is the very thing they’ve been trying to avoid.

I wish this was the last time in my life that I didn’t pay attention to my awareness.  But no, there were plenty more.  Plenty.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from the times I ignored my awareness, it’s this:  It never goes away.  It never changes.  When you know, you know.  And you will never “not know.”  It just doesn’t happen. 

You can act on your awareness and change your situation.  Or you can be haunted.

Yes, the choice can be difficult.  But it is still a choice.

I finally got off that train.  Guess what I knew then?

That I (finally!) made the right decision.