Why Do They Sound So Controlling?

In last week’s message, I shared content around conversations I’ve recently had with business coaches and direct sales leaders.  They each talked about their clients and team members who habitually hijack a conversation down a path of complaining, blaming, and making excuses.  Their conversations were all business related.

This week, I want to share from a different perspective, i.e., personal conversations.

 In my interactions with clients, I have heard a number of stories around conversations between parents and their adult children.  Some of these were shared by a parent; others were shared by an adult child.  All of them had some commonalities:

• The intention of one was to be caring and helpful; the hope of the other was to navigate a difficult life experience.

• One or the other, or both, persons engaged in the use of controlling language.

In all of the scenarios, there was resistance.

When someone uses phrases such as, “You should …,” “You have to…,” “You need to …,” or “Why don’t you…,” it is often met with resistance.  Sometimes this is very overt, e.g., spiteful retorts or arguing. Other times, it’s less obvious but happens when someone silently walks away and ignores the suggestions, even when they could be beneficial.

The thing it never leads to is collaborative interaction around resolving an issue.  The person making the suggestions experiences feelings of rejection while the other isn’t receiving the help or support they need. Feelings are hurt; issues remain unresolved; and time engaged in loving interaction is sacrificed to another day.  Or worse.

One suggestion I made last week that holds true in these personal interactions is, master the skill of using “I” statements.  To say, “I have one idea, are you open to hearing it” will be received very differently than, “You should just …” and ending with telling someone what to do.

We all communicate in business/workplace and community settings.  We also communicate in personal and family interactions.

When you learn a communication system, you won’t have to separate “How do I communicate ‘here’” from “How do I communicate ‘there’?”  The skills will apply to both.

Leaving your energy and focus for what matters most.