When You’re a Caregiver….

I’ve been talking to a lot of women recently, some single, some with very supportive partners, others with less supportive partners, who are all taking care of aging and ill parents.

I get it.

My husband and I were primary caregivers to our parents across a seven-year span of time. We wouldn’t change a thing (Except that we would spend even more time with them). Without question, we would do it all over again.

But here’s what I’m noticing.

The women I’m talking to are struggling to give themselves permission to take care of themselves. They even struggle to acknowledge the challenge of the circumstances they’re experiencing.

They expect themselves to be able to put aside the fear, the fatigue, the emotional drain of caregiving. When there’s open time between caregiving responsibilities, they expect they will do the other tasks that remain waiting. And they beat themselves up when they can’t bring themselves to focus and be productive.

In full disclosure, I get that, too. I was there.

But I learned some things from that experience, and I share them with you today.

These are what I call the five “permissions.”

Acknowledge: First, give yourself permission to acknowledge that what you’re doing is hard. This doesn’t mean you don’t want to do it; resent doing it; or are angry about it. It simply means, “Wow, this is a challenge unlike any I’ve ever faced.”

Ask: Once you’ve acknowledged the challenge, ask yourself, “In what ways do I most need help?” And then ask for that help. Find people who are good at the things you most need help with. And when help is offered unsolicited, receive it with grace and gratitude. (Hint: Others WANT to help!)

Release: Be willing to release some of the tasks and expectations you have of yourself from when life is simpler. You cannot take an already busy calendar, add the new caregiving activities, and expect yourself to get it all done. Stay focused on your core values.

Communication: There is so much communication needed and it is often different from anything you’ve experienced. Hone your skills for talking with medical professionals, siblings, spouses, children, and the person who is the focus of your caregiving. You’re filtering your experience through your own thoughts and feelings. They are as well. Let self-awareness and awareness of other’s thoughts and feelings guide you.

Self-care: In the midst of it all, be willing to say, “I need a break.” Resist only looking for the big getaway weekend or complete day to yourself. Those are good. But they won’t keep your cup full on a daily basis. One of my favorites was taking a 30-minute break at the end of my day and before my husband got home. What can you do daily, even for 10 minutes, that’s just for you?

Caregiving for our parents was one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives.

It can be one of yours too.

I hope these tips help you along your journey.