When Individual Styles Create Conflict

I was meeting with a couple who are married and own a business together. They are struggling to work together and it’s bleeding over into their marriage. They started the meeting by saying they felt “hopeless” and weren’t sure about the success of either their business or marriage.

As I talked with them, it became apparent that they function from two very different styles.

She is fast paced and makes quick decisions. When something needs done, she’s on it. She doesn’t look for future problems but trusts that when they happen, they’ll be able to manage it. She works from a perspective of, “Let’s solve problems when they happen not the ones that might - or might not - happen. She believes this will help move their business forward and can’t figure out why it frustrates him.

He works at a slower pace and is analytical. He’s not so quick to make decisions and wants to think it through first. He anticipates any pitfalls that might occur and wants to problem solve for those in the hopes that they can be avoided. But her fast, go-getter pace is causing him to feel like she is always getting ahead of him and doesn’t care about his opinion.

The thing is, neither of them is “right” and neither is “wrong.” They simply have two different styles both of which can be of great benefit to their business and to their marriage.

She feels criticized and a sense of rejection when her fast pace causes him to be angry. He feels rejection when she doesn’t slow down and spend time talking things through at length.

My first step was to begin working with them to understand the differences in their styles and how to blend those styles for the benefit of both business and marriage. With this, they will learn how to filter each other’s words and actions and increase their awareness of what is truly happening —

That she is doing what she believes will move their business forward and create new opportunities for their time together. And he is working to protect them.

They both want what’s best for each other and their marriage but this was something they couldn’t see.

Learning about each other’s style is giving them new eyes and a fresh perspective.

And new hope.