From Resting B**ch Face to Real Connection: Why Reframing Assumptions Matters

I suffer from the proverbial “Resting B*tch Face” (RBF) syndrome. I didn’t realize it until I saw myself in photos. “Oh my,” I thought silently. “I had no idea I sometimes looked like that.” Honestly, I probably still do sometimes.

RBF tends to show up at the worst moments—like when I walk into a new situation or meet new people. It also sneaks in when I’m deeply concentrating, processing a conversation, or navigating a crowded, busy environment. One time, someone told me, “You can think and smile at the same time.”  Easier said than done!

Many years ago, I attended a week-long conference with a small group of six people, focused on personal development. Spouses joined us for meals and social activities in the evenings, which added a bit of extra interaction.

At the end of the week, I was sitting poolside, chatting with one of the spouses. She said, “You know, at the beginning of the week, I didn’t think I liked you. But now, you’re my favorite person here.”

Looking back, I realize I was probably in full RBF mode. It was a new environment, filled with unfamiliar people, and I felt socially awkward and uncertain. But as the group bonded over the week, I relaxed, opened up, and people saw the authentic side of me—the part not clouded by self-doubt.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions when someone seems distant or reserved, isn’t it? It can be equally easy to assume, “She must not like me.”

Have you ever found yourself there, convinced that someone didn’t like you, based on nothing more than their body language or expression?

The thing is, it’s easy to leap to conclusions—but most of the time, it has nothing to do with us. Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try this reframe:

“I don’t know that person yet. I’m sure it has nothing to do with me. Let’s see what conversation I can start.”

Or, as my mom always said, “Smile first and say 'hi' first.” That’s what I tell myself when I feel RBF creeping in.  It’s a small, simple way to invite connection and grace into our interactions.  A small shift that opens the door to connection.

One that has helped me make some good friends along the way.