But We Did Set Our Expectations

In a meeting recently, one of my clients shared her frustrations with the current division of chores between she and her husband. She is clearly not happy with “who is doing what” in getting the tasks completed. Specifically, she wants more help around the house.

I asked her how those tasks were handled early in their marriage, and she said, “I told him at that time I didn’t mind doing ‘this’ and ‘that’ but now we have two kids, and my career is much more stressful and demanding and I need more help.”

He is still living by the agreement they set in earlier years. She would like things to change. But there hasn’t been collaborative conversation to reach a new agreement.

What happens? They repeatedly argue never reaching a satisfactory solution.

In this case, the expectations were clearly defined at the beginning of their marriage. But life changed. And so did her desire for more help around the house.

I like to call them precedents. These are the words and actions we use that set our expectations and boundaries. This is how we let others know what we will and won’t accept.

But as life changes, so do our expectations, desires, and boundaries. It can happen in any relationship whether at home, work, or in the community.

What do you do? Here are three steps to help:

1) Confidence: Recognize that your changing needs are valid and you’re not “wrong” just because what used to work for you doesn’t any longer. When you are grounded in this awareness, you will be more confident in expressing your needs.

2) Conversation: Initiate and engage in collaborative, results-oriented conversation rather than stewing in frustration. Resist assuming the other person will just “know” your needs have changed and don’t expect them to figure it out on their own. Acknowledge the changes that have happened and ask for healthy conversation to help adapt to changing life circumstances.

3) Consideration: As you express your wants and needs, be open to considering theirs as well. Yes, expressing your own needs is important. Listening to understand theirs matters, too.

When you find your old precedents and expectations no longer work, you can drown in the frustration and damage your relationships.

Or you can choose the path that starts with confidence.