3 Tips for Healthy Conversations

Several clients have recently shared with me conversation struggles they are having with family and friends. In each case, the challenges are causing some degree of undesired division in their relationship.

In all of the situations, one person is expressing a strong view, not offered as an opinion, but rather as “I’m right” and “You’re wrong.” The words used along with the accompanying intonation are sending messages of, “Well that’s not very smart,” “You’re being illogical” and “I can’t believe you think that.”

In some cases, my client was the person speaking, in others, the listener. All of them are smart, kind, and loving people who care about their relationships. And so asked, “Is there something I can do?”

Together, we are creating alternatives that allow for them to speak their strong view but express it in a manner that is non-threatening and non-judgmental. And the listeners are learning to respond in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way.

They are each discovering that it’s not about changing their core content or holding back on expressing their views. Rather, they are learning to make shifts in the “how” of what they say, including words, intonation, and body language.

When you’re experiencing division in an important relationship and want to maintain positive connection instead, ask yourself, “Is there something I can be doing differently?”

Here are three techniques you can use to help:

1) Realize that no matter how strongly you believe in what you’re saying, it is still your opinion. Just as you want others to respect your thoughts, they desire the same from you. Use phrases such as, “It’s my perspective…,” “It’s my understanding….” or “In my opinion….” And accompany this with a non-judgmental intonation. Then, with an open mind, ask for their perspective.

2) Express yourself using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. To hear “you” followed by someone telling us how we “should” think or feel is like someone poking us in the shoulder over and over. It’s grating and will be met with a defensive response every time.

3) Remember that what you say is a reflection of what is in your heart. When you find yourself defensive and annoyed, ask yourself, “What is stirring in my heart?” For example, do you have a need to be right or a fear of being judged? Do you feel compelled to change someone’s point of view? Does a renewal in your relationship require you to make changes that you’re resisting?

There are always ways to converse that will widen the divide you’re experiencing.

But, there are also ways to talk that will cultivate closeness, connection, and deep, meaningful conversation filled with respect.

Even when you don’t agree.