When Self-Awareness is Key

In recent months, I’ve noticed myself to be irritable, grouchy, and intolerant.  In the evenings, I’ve been somewhat quiet and withdrawn.  I have been aware that my mood and interactions weren’t typical ones for me.

I also thought I was hiding my feelings well.  Except my husband knows me well, even when I’m quiet.  Maybe especially when I’m quiet.

This past weekend, he and I had a conversation in which he admitted he felt a bit like he was doing the proverbial, “walking on eggshells” around me.  He wasn’t angry, using an argumentative tone, or criticizing me. If you know my husband, you already know this about him. The thing he was doing was sharing with the intention of being supportive and to help me figure out what was bothering me.

It was a good conversation. But it wasn’t one we could complete fully although we had the time available.  We couldn’t complete it because I needed time to dig deeper into my own self-awareness.

We let go of the conversation for a while and I made a commitment that I would reflect and journal which is my favorite way to explore my thoughts and emotions when I’m uncertain about something.

Using the same self-awareness activity I use in coaching, here are some of the things I discovered:

1)   I had been taking the easy path of only skimming the surface in my thoughts.  I used all the “good reasons” why I had been persistently irritable.  The biggest culprits were “not enough time” and “too much to do.”  I would start many whining and complaining thoughts with, “If only….”

2)   I had also been letting myself be distracted by non-essential tasks thus creating the “too much to do and not enough time” scenario.  As I journaled, I knew this to be true.

3)   By creating this scenario, I was then mentally distracted in the evenings because I was thinking about what I hadn’t completed and when I would do it.

4)   In my distraction, I had to make mental shifts to focus when my husband was talking to me. Shifting focus is not always an easy thing for me to do and although I thought I was being kind and respectful, my non-verbal cues were indicating otherwise.

Now that I have taken the time for self-awareness and identifying more specifically what is happening, I can also identify what changes in my routine will be beneficial to me and for the time I spend with the person who means the most to me.

Now instead of creating frustrations, I can create solutions instead. But first, I had to be willing to engage in honest self-awareness.  With it came a shift in my mood.

Only this time, it’s a mood that’s much easier to be around.