Marriage Communication: Seamlessly Navigating Everyday Life

In a networking meeting I attend, we had a food drive for a local food pantry. Given a list, we were asked to donate food items and include the items selected in our “60 second commercial” as we described our business focus.

Two of the items I donated were jars of spaghetti sauce and jars of peanut butter .  It’s important to note here that for these items, I chose two different brands of each.

During my commercial, I asked my fellow chapter members to consider this scenario:

You are not the person who typically does the grocery shopping for your family.  But, your spouse asks if you’ll pick up a few items and gives you a list. 

I then asked, “On the list is JIF peanut butter; if the store is out of that brand, would you choose to substitute the available Skippy, or would you call your spouse and confirm that choice.”

I asked the same question for two brands and flavors of spaghetti sauce.

In comments that were shared with me after the meeting, it was interesting to hear the different viewpoints.  One said, “Definitely I would just want him to make the decision.”  Another person offered, “I know my wife is particular about ingredients and I would call and confirm the brand and she would want me to do so.” A third one shared, “There’s no way I would make the decision and get told I was wrong when I got home; I would definitely call first.”

Three families.  Three different answers.

When couples fail to communicate without disagreements in simple, everyday scenarios such as this one, it will only escalate when other bigger, important topics arise such as money and parenting.

Two valuable tools to keep a marriage on a positive and happy track include:

1)    Expressing your wants and needs and what matters most to you in open, clear, and honest ways.  Resist assuming your spouse is a mind reader and knows what is most important to you.  Help your spouse to understand what matters to you most and why.

2)   Respect for the other person’s wants and needs even when they’re different than your own.  You may not have the same needs as your spouse and vice versa.  You can chose to care for them by honoring what they’re asking you to do.  Resist words and actions that reflect, “I don’t get (s)he feels that way so I’m doing what I want.”

Learning to connect around decisions by openly sharing your thoughts, feelings, and what you want for yourself and for the other is crucial for maintaining a collaborative, stress-less relationship.

Even when you’re buying spaghetti sauce.