He Wasn’t Engaging With Me
My husband enjoys projects.
He especially loves building things with wood, and we have a number of beautiful wood walls in our home to show for it. Recently, he turned a hallway wall into a library. Every year, he loves decorating our home into a winter wonderland for the holidays. We’re (almost!) ready for this year’s celebrations.
But here’s something he doesn’t love. He doesn’t enjoy interruptions when he’s working on a project. I learned this a number of years ago when I ….. yes, interrupted him when he was deep in thought about something he was working on.
He wasn’t angry, mean, or cold with me. But, when I shared something funny, he didn’t laugh. When I shared good news about my business, he didn’t get excited. Until later, when he came back and asked me about the things I wanted to tell him. Then we shared in the way I’m accustomed to in our relationship.
Here’s what I learned.
When Rick is engaged in a project, it is best to let him be deep in his thoughts. If I want to share something with him, it is better to wait until he takes a break or is finished. Then I will get the reaction I want and enjoy in our relationship.
I let him have what he wants, i.e., quiet uninterrupted time to stay focused on what he’s doing. And I get what I want, i.e., complete engagement from him when I share something.
In his classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie teaches how to build positive relationships by giving attention, appreciation, and respect to others. He emphasizes the importance of understanding and respecting others' perspectives and needs. He advocates for a genuine interest in people and their concerns. And by doing so he offers, you create an environment where people are more likely to support you and be open to your ideas, indirectly helping you achieve what you want.
In our home, my husband listens as I tell stories with many detours and unnecessary details. I let him have quiet, uninterrupted time for his projects.
Making us both very happy.